A(i) Modest Proposal

Singular...

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through these great tech landscapes, or surf in the Interwebs, when they see the apps, the websites, and repositories crowded with unemployed developers, followed by three, four, or six open source contributors, all with no jobs, and importuning every passenger for a job reference. These developers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time stroling to beg for sponsors for their helpless projects, who, as they grow more complex, hope to turn them into some rugpull SaaS application, or leave their dear open licenses, to work for the Pretender in Seattle, or sell themselves to the Bay.

I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of contributors in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their educational institutions, is in the present state of the tech industry, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these developers sound and useful members of the technosphere, would deserve so well of the public, as to have their NFT set up as a preserver of the Internet.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for devs on LinkedIn begging for connections: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of developers at a certain point in their career who are thrust into the job market--with government services alone unable to support them--who sometimes end up demanding our charity through Buy Me A Coffee or GoFundMe.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, a baby developer just dropt from its coding bootcamp or local university, may be supported by a modest loan, for a solar year, with little other income: at most nothing above the value of around ten grand, which the bootcamps or colleges themselves may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by their lawful right of high tuition fees; and it is exactly at one year a Junior that I propose to provide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon their parents, or the community, or government, or wanting food, clothes, and health insurance for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing of many thousands.

The number of devs in this nation being usually reckoned over one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand unemployed; from which number I subtract thirty thousand, whose parents' retirement savings are able to maintain them, (although I apprehend there cannot be so many under the present distresses of these United States) but this being granted, there will remain a hundred and seventy thousand self-taught or just-graduated devs. I again subtract fifty thousand, for those who turn to retail or as full-time baristas, or who die by accident or disease within the year. There only remain a hundred and twenty thousand developers produced annually. The question therefor is, How this number shall be supported and provided for? which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them all in service sectors or agriculture; they neither build houses, nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a enough skill by merely working in open source for a few years, where they just copy and paste anyway, during which time they can however be properly looked upon as proper Junior developers; as I have been informed by a principal engineer in the Valley of Silicon, who protested to me, that he never knew above one or two instances of these above Junior level, even in the part of the country so renowned for the quickest proficiency in the art of app development.

I am assured by our tech firms and clients, that a developer before a year of experience is not employable, and even when they reach a year of experience, will not yield above three percent, or three and a half percent at most, productivity gains; which cannot turn to account either to the universities they owe tuition to, or supply enough return for their landlords kindly providing a place for them to rent for four times the value they provide.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing Effective Altruist of my acquaintance, that the brain of a healthy open source developer, is, at whatever age, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragu.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that of the hundred and twenty thousand developers, already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved to continue working in open source, whereof only one fifth part to be females; which is more than we allow to be employed within the tech sector anyway, and my reason is we must not needlessly imbalance current LLM demographics and vector weights. That the remaining hundred thousand may, after one year of dabbling in open source, be offered in sale to the persons of quality and fortune, through the metaverse, always advising project leads to let these baby devs contribute plentifully, so as to render their code plump and ready to be ingested by discerning AI agents. A developer's brain will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the hypothalamus or frontal lobe will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for oligarchs, who, as they have already devoured most of a person's data, seem to have the best title to their brain.

I have already computed the cost of an unemployed developer to be about ten thousand a year (in which list I reckon all PRs, commits, and documentation changes to an average project); and I believe no transhumanist would repine to give one hundred thousand for the brain of a Junior developer, which, as I have said earlier, will make two dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he has only some particular friend, or his own family to dine with him. The junior developers' family will have 70 thousand of neat profit (after paying off loans), and the parents may even have enough to send another child to university or a coding bootcamp.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may scalp the hair; of which, artificially sown, will make admirable wigs for the oligarchs, or fine scarves for their ladies.

I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of open source developers, with whom we are yearly overrun, producing terrible datasets for our LLMs, as well as our most dangerous enemies, who stay at home on purpose with a design to democratize the Internet, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good Capitalists who have chosen to leave the open web, than to stay involved in these antagonistic online communities they once inhabited.

Secondly, families will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to a distress, and help pay off bootcamp or college loans, as with their credit already being useless, and their automobiles already seized, would otherwise be unable to do so.

Thirdly, whereas the social welfare of a hundred thousand developers cannot be computed at less than ten thousand dollars per annum, the tech market's stock will be thereby increased by one billion dollars per annum, besides the profit of a new dish, introduced to the tables of all transhumanists in the metaverse, who have refinement in taste. And the money will ensure the growth and happiness of trillions of us who will inhabit the stars.

Fourthly, The constant government and educational services, besides gaining their due tuition once paid off, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after that first year.

Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to bars, where vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best recipes for dressing it to perfection; and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine transhumanists, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating; and a skillful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.

Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to incorporation, which all wise nations have either encouraged rewards, or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of real developers toward their code. We should soon see an honest emulation among the private sector, where developers near retirement could be brought to the market.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the remaining unemployed developers would be incentivized to create better code for our LLMs. With fewer novices out in the wild, there would be less likelihood of polluting the datasets which are the lifeblood of future AGI. In fact, we would be less likely to see anything outside of a standard deviation, ensuring that our datasets are not too diverse or imprinted with false personality. But this, and many others, I omit, being studious of brevity.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of unemployed developers will be thereby much lessened in the nation. I desire the listener will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one country of the United States, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore, let no one talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing billionaires more than the middle class: Of holding individuals and corporations accountable for copyright infringement: Of utterly rejecting the additional constructions of high-emission datacenters: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gambling of absurd market valuations: Of introducing a vein of regulation and consequences for monopolistic practices: Of examining current harms to the Majority World based on current exploitative actions: Of being cautious not to sell our country and consciences for nothing: Of investing capital into people here and now as opposed to fantasies of the future. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our business leaders, who, if a resolution could now be taken to pay workers a fair wage and provide useful benefits, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon them in price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no one talk to me of these and the like expedients, till they hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our technology, providing for the families of otherwise unemployed developers, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I'm no longer a Junior developer, by which I could propose to fetch a single penny; and no one in my family is that much into tech.